Honest Scrap

My wonderful friend, Becki, (this is not Becki in the picture, but rather my youngest daughter Jillian), whom I have never met in person, never spoken to on the phone, but met through The Christian Woman Blog, and who BLESSES me beyond belief, has "tagged" me to write down 10 honest things about me. OK, Becki, you got it girlfriend. Here goes:

1. I am a total idiot when it comes to computers. I mean it. I do not have the aptitude for them, and I have no patience for them. Yes, I have a B.A. in Journalism but my brain refuses to wrap itself around computers and I look with envy and longing at blogs like Becki's, (http://outoftheashesphotography.blogspot.com/) with all the cool music and photos and graphics, and I sighhhhhh.

2. I am still wondering what God's plan is for my life. Still. I am 51 years old, and still going to Him and saying, "What is it?" "Am I there yet?" I've always had this feeling deep down that God was going to knock my socks off--that I was going to do something really amazing for Him. This doesn't necessarily equate to fame. It just equates to my own personal barometer wherein I finally get that feeling and go ahhhh, now I get it. But I haven't gotten it yet, so I keep thinking I haven't done it yet.

3. This relates to number 2. I do feel that one of His plans was for me to be a mom, and that has been the most fantastic thing ever. I have been remarkably blessed with two wonderful, amazing daughters. Now that my oldest is 14, and she is an exceptional student and really involved in church, I can say unequivocally that it is due only in small part to my husband and I, and due in very large part to our amazing and glorious God. Honestly. I look at her, and think, wow, with all of our mistakes, we couldn't possibly take credit for how great she's doing.

4. This relates to number 2 as well. Even though I keep thinking I'm supposed to be doing something cool for God, I have a tendency to look at other people's lives--people who are completely content in simply living--and envy their content. I keep thinking I should be content and keep wondering, "Am I there yet?" My two best friends are like that--they have no big plans or dreams, and find joy in simple things day by day. I often wonder why I can't be like that.

5. My biggest dream has been to have a book published. Most of my friends know that, and most know that I have yet to do so. I am having one of the chapters of my book published in a well-known magazine, but that is as close as I've come. So far.

6. I am fairly anti-social, and getting more so with each passing year. I used to wonder why I didn't like parties even in my youth, and why now I shun the walks with the neighbor ladies. I have always been a one-on-one person, and still vastly enjoy those kind of visits with my close friends. In the last few years, I have made peace with the fact that I simply don't need or want a lot of people around me. I can spend whole days by myself and be perfectly content. (Thank goodness for school days. I love my children, but I love my quiet time, too.) I figure by the time I'm 60, I'll be an out-and-out hermit.

7. My anti-social nature does not apply to my relationship with Jesus. We have constant conversations. I am madly, hopelessly, profoundly in love with Him.

8. If there is a byword for my life, I believe it would be "faith," because that is what God continues to teach me. I keep thinking I've passed the test, but as soon as I pass that test (apparently not with flying colors), along comes another huge test. If there is a second byword for my life, it would be "resilience."

9. Relating to number 8, I never, EVER, thought my life would turn out like this. I grew up on Disney's fairy tales, and thought I'd end up with a modern-day version of that. But nooooo. It has been quite a wild ride, with a lot of pain and tragedy. But I have seen God's hand in every part of it, and He has pulled me out of a number of pits and set me on the rock that is higher than I.

10. I am wildly blessed by my friends and my children. During the months before my recent separation, and even now, I have been astounded by the number of friends I have (even as anti-social as I am), and by their love and faithfulness and encouragement. They have absolutely blown me away.

So, there you go, Becki.

Letting Go

OK, so I haven't been faithful to my blog. You know why? It's an ego thing. I didn't think anyone would read my blog, so I didn't want to write it. But then I happened to take a look at my profile. 212 visits? What the heck? Thanks, guys. Whoever you are. I'll get serious now.

If you've read my two other posts, you know that I have been experiencing some huge challenges in my marriage. I am now separated. And most readers would read "divorce" in those words. But, in fact, I would have you read the word "separated" and have words like "breathe" and "quiet time" and "healing" come to mind. Because that is what it is for me.

A few years ago, I began to pray earnestly that God would recreate our marriage. I made it clear to Him that I wasn't just asking Him to fix it or make it better. I wanted Him to make it new because that's what He specializes in. Behold, I am making all things new. (Rev. 21:5)

I had no idea how He would do that, or even if He would honor my request. But for two years, during the toughest two years of our married life, I prayed and prayed over our marriage. I also tried and tried to do the right things. Finally, when my husband began to look at apartments and houses to rent, regardless of what I said or tried to do, I realized I had to let go. Key words here: let go.

When I did let go, I knew in my soul that it was the right thing to do. It was scary and still is, certainly, but it was the right thing to do. I was like a child who kept trying to fix a broken toy on my own. It was as though I was saying to my Father, "Just show me how to fix it and I'll fix it." But He wanted me to let go, place it in His hands and walk away, with complete faith and confidence that He would make it new. It took me two years.

Now I'm here, living apart from my husband, sharing the kids. It's a weird place to be. It's only been a week, and at times I love it, and at times I feel like a ship without a rudder. But one thing I know for certain. God is near, and He will uphold me with His righteous right hand. And I will not be disappointed in how this turns out. (Psalm 22:5)