Letting Go

OK, so I haven't been faithful to my blog. You know why? It's an ego thing. I didn't think anyone would read my blog, so I didn't want to write it. But then I happened to take a look at my profile. 212 visits? What the heck? Thanks, guys. Whoever you are. I'll get serious now.

If you've read my two other posts, you know that I have been experiencing some huge challenges in my marriage. I am now separated. And most readers would read "divorce" in those words. But, in fact, I would have you read the word "separated" and have words like "breathe" and "quiet time" and "healing" come to mind. Because that is what it is for me.

A few years ago, I began to pray earnestly that God would recreate our marriage. I made it clear to Him that I wasn't just asking Him to fix it or make it better. I wanted Him to make it new because that's what He specializes in. Behold, I am making all things new. (Rev. 21:5)

I had no idea how He would do that, or even if He would honor my request. But for two years, during the toughest two years of our married life, I prayed and prayed over our marriage. I also tried and tried to do the right things. Finally, when my husband began to look at apartments and houses to rent, regardless of what I said or tried to do, I realized I had to let go. Key words here: let go.

When I did let go, I knew in my soul that it was the right thing to do. It was scary and still is, certainly, but it was the right thing to do. I was like a child who kept trying to fix a broken toy on my own. It was as though I was saying to my Father, "Just show me how to fix it and I'll fix it." But He wanted me to let go, place it in His hands and walk away, with complete faith and confidence that He would make it new. It took me two years.

Now I'm here, living apart from my husband, sharing the kids. It's a weird place to be. It's only been a week, and at times I love it, and at times I feel like a ship without a rudder. But one thing I know for certain. God is near, and He will uphold me with His righteous right hand. And I will not be disappointed in how this turns out. (Psalm 22:5)

Why I am Not Disappointed

This is my very first blog, my first shout into cyberspace, except for e-mail, of course. Hello, hello, hellloooooo... Will anyone read this? And if so, will they be "not disappointed"?

That actually isn't why I gave my blog its name. It comes from a verse in the Bible which touched me recently:

"In Thee they trusted, and were not disappointed." Psalm 22:5b

Have you ever read a verse in the Bible that, on the face of it, seemed pretty simple, but then, on second glance, was packed with meaning? This verse was that for me.

The Bible exhorts us to trust in God. Verse after verse calls us to cast our cares upon our Heavenly Father, and trust in Him. And that's all well and good until that trust is put to the test. Then, when that trust is all we have to cling to, like a rope dropped out of heaven, while everything around us is crumbling, we may begin to wonder, "What happens if I trust in this rope? How long will I have to hang here? Who's extending the rope and how strong is He? How can I be assured that He's someone who really cares about me and has my best interests in mind? Is that Someone really able to take complete care of me?"

That's why the second part of the verse above is so meaningful. "In Thee they trusted, and were not disappointed." Not disappointed. If you choose to grab onto God's rope, you may not be able to see where He's taking you. You may look down and see nothing but rubble and clouds of dust as your world falls to pieces. You may hang there for some time while God does His work behind the scenes, but you can absolutely KNOW that however it turns out: you will not be disappointed. If you trust in God, He will reward you by exceeding your expectations.

I know because I've been there. My trust in God was put to the test nearly two years ago when my 20-year-marriage ran into a brick wall. I never even saw it coming. It just seemed that all of a sudden, I had a bitter husband who became increasingly distant, like an astronaut who was floating away from me in space, his lifeline severed by...himself.

That's why I'm writing this blog, to talk about why I am Not Disappointed. Our marriage is still very rocky. I am actually typing this with one hand, while gripping onto God's rope with the other as I hang precariously over the rubble of our first twenty years.

I am not writing as one who has made it back into the land of happy endings. I am writing as one who is still in the midst of a troubled marriage, still dangling by God's lifeline, still trusting in Him who makes all things new.

This is not to say that God is not working in our marriage. The fact is, God has had to do enormous foundational work before He could even begin to reconstruct our marriage. That takes time, and as one with very little patience, I have often lost heart. During those times, I have repeated that verse over and over: "In Thee they trusted, and were not disappointed."

In future blogs, I will share about the things I've learned through these last two years, and how, time and again, God has revealed Himself through this process, and urged me to keep believing that if I trust in Him, I will not be disappointed.