Letting Go

OK, so I haven't been faithful to my blog. You know why? It's an ego thing. I didn't think anyone would read my blog, so I didn't want to write it. But then I happened to take a look at my profile. 212 visits? What the heck? Thanks, guys. Whoever you are. I'll get serious now.

If you've read my two other posts, you know that I have been experiencing some huge challenges in my marriage. I am now separated. And most readers would read "divorce" in those words. But, in fact, I would have you read the word "separated" and have words like "breathe" and "quiet time" and "healing" come to mind. Because that is what it is for me.

A few years ago, I began to pray earnestly that God would recreate our marriage. I made it clear to Him that I wasn't just asking Him to fix it or make it better. I wanted Him to make it new because that's what He specializes in. Behold, I am making all things new. (Rev. 21:5)

I had no idea how He would do that, or even if He would honor my request. But for two years, during the toughest two years of our married life, I prayed and prayed over our marriage. I also tried and tried to do the right things. Finally, when my husband began to look at apartments and houses to rent, regardless of what I said or tried to do, I realized I had to let go. Key words here: let go.

When I did let go, I knew in my soul that it was the right thing to do. It was scary and still is, certainly, but it was the right thing to do. I was like a child who kept trying to fix a broken toy on my own. It was as though I was saying to my Father, "Just show me how to fix it and I'll fix it." But He wanted me to let go, place it in His hands and walk away, with complete faith and confidence that He would make it new. It took me two years.

Now I'm here, living apart from my husband, sharing the kids. It's a weird place to be. It's only been a week, and at times I love it, and at times I feel like a ship without a rudder. But one thing I know for certain. God is near, and He will uphold me with His righteous right hand. And I will not be disappointed in how this turns out. (Psalm 22:5)